Yeah, Im THAT mom!

OK.. I admit it. I’m THAT mom.. I am the mom who checks the calendar every day to see when school starts.. I’m the mom that prays multiple times a day for the strength to not scream “I QUIT”, climb a tree, go on strike and get featured by local papers as “Mom of many, snaps like twig, climbs tree.” I am the mom that asks “Is it September yet?” I am the moms that on the last day of school, when the teachers say “have a great summer!” I reply… “yeah… right.. like THAT’S gonna happen!” Because I know what lies ahead of me. And it scares me. SO here I am. Halfway thru the summer. And I am inundated by sandy beach towels, drippy bathing suits, and empty bottles of sunscreen and bug pray, pet clams in buckets hidden in bedrooms and no less than 47 cups in the sink at any given time. I don’t OWN 47 cup…yet there they are… All in my sink…I tried to be the mom that has her act together. I got each kid a cup, and with a sharpie, drew a picture that reflects each child’s personality with their name. I said.. THIS IS YOUR CUP! YOU LOOSE IT! YOU DEHYDRATE! Yeah, well, I don’t have to tell you how well that went…because this morning, there were 17 cups in the sink. Where the heck are they coming from? Do they have a secret cup factory under the house? Are they getting friends to throw them over the fence? Are they buying them online??? Inquiring moms want to know.
Not to mention, they are really getting on each other’s nerves. Here’s an example…The other day, I instructed my 12 year old, Cody to mop the floor in his room. It’s a small room… not much floor. Really, not THAT big a deal. Well, he absolutely positively lost his skull and apparently his sanity all in one fell swoop, and tells me that its “not his job”. Well… as soon as he said THAT.. it DID become HIS job! And ever the opportunistic not-so-little neanderthal TJ, the 13 year old, decides that he needs to tweak Cody as he mops and rants. Now, this is where the story gets a little blurry. Somehow… who knows for real but Cody and God, the extinguisher that had been in their room for YEARS was banged against the door (im sure a little posturing was going on here in an attempt to scare off TJ) and it went off… This is what I heard, from my room down the hall…Cody-”this is nuts, why do I have to mop, its not MY job” (as well as various 12 year old euphemisms I choose not to repeat in this forum) TJ, who is peeking around the wall from the stairwell “squeak squeak squawk squawk”(he likes to make irritating noises that resemble that of a chipmunk) Cody yells at him to shut up, TJ continues more. Cody yells, TJ squeaks.. more yelling, more squeaking…then I heard… BANG! WOOOSSSHHHHHHH…. Followed by screaming and “OMG!” then the sounds of bed creaking as if someone jumped on it ….. then bang!(apparently he ran for the door but couldn’t see thru the dust and ran right into the shut door) There was a bit of a commotion and rustling and TJ comes running down the hall to my room followed by Cody with THE most HORRIFIED look on his face EVER.. and a fairly thick coating of yellow dust as well. Before I can even process what has just happened, Cody is handing over his phone as punishment and babbling about how he was wrong, and made a poor choice, etc. etc. etc. So, in an attempt to properly evaluate the situation (and document it with photographs for any further reference) the three of us went to their room. Not one to miss the entertainment value of this moment, while still trying to remain the responsible adult, I excuse myself to my room where I disintegrate into muffled hysterical laughter.(a well as instant photo posting to my Mobile FaceBook page…lol) I composed myself and made my way back where I found the two of them standing in their room evaluating the damage. TJ picks up the extinguisher… look at it and says.. “I thought there was no air pressure in this thing” followed by WOOOOOOOOSHHHHHHH…. Then Cody , screaming. Sigh…… And you wonder why I’m THAT mom???

my first look at the mess....

Codys footprints in the dust..
notice the broom... this was TJs "whoops" while Cody was TRYING to begin the clean up...

My Sisters Keeper... book or movie??

I came across this Q on one of the "mom" sites I stalk... What a loaded question...for those of you who know me.. your thinking... ::gulp::... those who dont know me... here goes...I live this book... my daughter was born with Diamond Blacfan Anemia a rare genetic bone marrow failure disease. Requiring blood transfusions evern 2 weeks and was innundated with multiple birth defects.She needed a stem cell transplant to rid her of the transfusions that were bogging down her heart and organs with iron overload. The only way her doctors would transplant her was with a perfectly matched sibling. And cord blood stem cells if possible. We had already decided to have A LOT of kids, so we were confidant that eventually we would get her match, and we did... Jordie, the 8th of 10. We had tried to go the PIGD route. But at the time Kylies faulty gene was unknown and we were turned down, because although they could guarantee us with a baby the was a perfect match, they could not guarantee that the child would not have DBA as well since the cause of our daughters disease was still unknown. Since then her gene was discovered, RPL5, but I am no longer able to have kids and thankfully Jordie was concieved naturally and was her match. So in 03 we tried to transplant but Kylie went into liver failure after her first dose of busulphan because she had EVB and we did not know it. It was not untill 05 that drs had been able to create an experimental transplant regimine specifically suited to her livers needs. And on 05/05/05 Kylie recieved a new chance at life. But the egraftemnt initially failed and the doctors asked us to prepare for the need to harvest peripheral stem cells from our daughter Jordyn who was not yet three..Peripheral harvesting comes with its own set of risks... That was when we realised the moral dillema we were smack dab in the middle of. And how it would effect us forever...It was then that we realised that Kylies survival may depend solely on her sisters willingness to be her donor. Should Kylie need platelets? plasma?? more stem cells??? PART OF HER LIVER?? how do we risk one daughter for another??? Kylie was able to regain her engraftment without needing more stem cells from Jordyn, but we cant help but still feel like we are always waiting for the next shoe to drop. Kylies transplant was a "mini" and her disease COULD come back.. And it is a very real possibility that one day we may again have to look to Jordyn to save her sister. How do you make that choice?? This book was a true glimpse at what its like to be a family like ours. AS parents Joe and I have similar fears but different ideas as how to go about it. Our children all went thru hell with us, But, despite it all we have remained triumphant,, and stronger for it. I knew that I couldent go see this movie in public.. I am almost inclined to request a local theatre to allow a private viewing for me and a few parents I know in the same dilemma. I cried thru the whole book.. I couldent sit surrounded by strangers..and watch as my heart and souls greatest fears played out on the screen before me. I would feel more then naked.. When I heard the ending was changed. I was disgusted. and decided that I dont even want to see it. The emotional trauma and the physical exhaustion that comes with it is too much to end up aggrivated at the end! Not all stories have a happy ending.. and its a shame that they changed it.. the reality is bad things happen..the ending should have been left. (i wont spoil it for anyone) Maybe when it comes out in DVD..in the privacy of my home.. maybe.. till then.. my own life will suffice... sorry it was so long... its only half of what i REALLY wanted to say! lol..my daghter has a caringbridge page that we started in 03 to chronicle her journey..www.caringbridge.org/nj/kyliejae
this is Kylie on left and Jordie on the right, celebrating Kylies 4th "transplanniversary" on 5/5/08 Cinco De Mayo! OLE!

and for this year...05/05/09

SO...now that my mind is drifting back to all the "what if's" and "what is still ahead for her/us" I must bid you all farewell.. the kids are all dressing up "fancy" for a tea party and I have GOT to get pictures of THIS!!!

much love. H

A week of bennies on the beach and Im ready to start to a petition!

**DISCLAIMER!**
Let me say this first. I am well aware that the vast majority of visitors or tourists are NOT “bennies”. I appreciate your patronage to our local establishments and am thrilled to meet visiting families that love our Shore Community just as much as we do. When I make jokes or poke fun at the bane of us shore living families summer, I am directing it at a SMALL portion of the folks that visit our area. You know, just as I do, what I am talking about. I see plenty of “tourists” with the same look if shock and horror on their faces as I have on mine.
****
Ahhh… whatta day last Friday was… nothing says welcome to the Jersey Shore like a beach full of cigarette butts and inappropriately dressed tourists! Nothing says tourist like a family, so pale, I felt compelled to call the Red Cross for an emergency blood transfusion. Nothing says BENNIE like a pale tourist family that uses Hefty garbage bags as beach bags for their belongings. But hey.. gotta give em credit, they were the new Hefty Tri-flex bags with cinch straps! The surely did not cheap out on the sunscreen OR the garbage bags. But the best thing of the day was not the pod of dolphins that gracefully cruised past us like Neptunes’ star ballerinas, or the amazing display of army helicopters that made me feel not only safe and sound, proud to be an American. No, what made today amazing was the gentleman behind us who lie on his blanket for HOURS, yes, HOURS, playing his recorder. No. Seriously. I don’t even exaggerate. I wish it was a big fat hairy lie just to get a few laughs. But… like the rest of my stories…this shameful site was true. Long gone are the days when families went to the beach with sand toys, a beach ball, an umbrella, and a cooler full of sandwiches. Today, the lifeguards WILL have you shackled and removed from the beach for bringing a beach ball, and if its windy and you have an umbrella.. you WILL be presented with a Class Action Lawsuit by all the beach goers in a 100 ft radius. All those gale force winds and umbrella impalements really put a damper on the whole shade thing… We slather out kids in sunscreen that is so thick it’s just project paste with a different label, then tell them to stand and let it dry so that the sand doesn’t stick to them and coat them like a breaded chicken nugget. Lunches no longer brought in a cooler (well, ours are, but we like to go against the grain) but are now overpriced, saturated in saturated fat, sodium enriched, boardwalk food that makes your butt grow just smelling it. Then there are the families that just grab a stack of pies (pizza pies) and sit on the beach eating burning hot, cheesy, tomato-y eventually sandy pizza in their jeans and sneakers. A perfect segue into my next diatribe. Really.. you go to the BEACH… yet you arrive in jeans and sneakers with NO BATHING SUIT! ??What the hell is THAT all about? Please.. Ladies… promise you… you DO NOT LOOK HOT swimming in some dudes tighty whities and a sports bra. Ack.. not even close. Nor to you look attractive when you stuff 15 pounds of sausage in a 5 pound casing. And men… please.. men… speedos are so… European. And being from Newark doesn’t make you European. It just makes you a bennie in a dumbass bathing suit. Please people. I don’t take my kids to the beach for impromptu anatomy lessons. Pretty bad when even your teenage BOY is grossed out by what he sees walking the boards. Nothing is left to the imagination anymore.. Girls wear anything that shows everything, and the lack of clothes they wear actually even proclaim just how easy they are! (as if the style itself doesn’t say that enough!)
Our next beach day did not fare much better…we lug all our crapola just far enough down that we aren’t shouting over the sounds and screams coming from the pier, then trudge towards the water’s edge.. we go just to the point where the tide, when it comes in, may or may not soak a few towels..and we set up our “perimeter”.. now.. its painfully obvious we are chock full of kids, unless you really think that Joe and I, by ourselves, need 8 towels, each hand stitched with a child’s nickname, draped out on the sand, a near audience of chairs, and more sand toys then Toys R Us. And as I have grown up on the shore, the typical “beach etiquette” as my friend Laura likes to call it, is, one does NOT plop down in front of a “family campus” that is obviously on the water’s edge to afford one a safe, clear view of their children. Well..Let me tell you…the trio we encountered failed to notice all the above.. But no one in a 10 blanket radius failed to notice this near translucent fella who dropped his cargos only to reveal his grey pinstriped Jockey bikini undies… yep.. dude stripped to his skivvies.. At least the chicks had bikinis.. but when this guy took nearly 20 mins to oil up one of the girls, I sent my kids to the water to look for sand sharks before my tremendously observant children started to ask me questions that even I don’t have the guts to answer! I’m assuming they were either deaf, or foreign because I was not so subtle in my horror and was quite vocal with neighboring parents at the dilemma we were facing.. Literally facing… when he started to pop the pimples on his hairy milk white legs, I nearly lost my lunch… I was ready to bribe Charlie and Ryan to collect jellyfish in a bucket and “accidentally” drop it on his well oiled neither regions. But, the fates saw the potential for disaster and sent a huge wave onto their blanket, so they moved up and to the right a little bit… where I was entertained to see a not so thrilled family make a HUGE issue about his undies… Oh well.. not my problem anymore…. Gotta love summer.. I’m telin ya..

Yesterday’s beach day was tremendous…gorgeous…perfect…we had a great wave pool form in front of us… Laura and I relaxed while the kids scooped up shells by the handful and presented them to us like stocking stuffers…then… again… the ENTIRE beach to choose from (and we were at a relatively un-packed beach) and a pair of women and their children set up their blanket and THREE umbrellas in front of us… So… I relocate all our stuff and make it abundantly clear that rude people never cease to amaze me and its no wonder there is a website called http://www.bennygohome.com/. The day continued to be great.. kids swam, Laura and I chit chatted….Charlie ate.. kids made sand castles, Charlie ate some more, kids swam some more… Charlie ate….ha…then, as the day was drawing to a close, the seagulls decided it was time to see whats for lunch. About 20 birds were stationed between our blanket and a neighbors as all the kids were tossing snacks. Think Nemo and the “mine, mine, mine, mine” scene… Then from behind us, a very unusually dressed (barely is more like it) woman, who I had been observing talking to her invisible friends most of the afternoon, starts shouting something about not wanting to watch Alfred Hitchcock movies and some other crazy stuff… So, eventually she calms down and stands behind us in some Ti Chi stance, smoking her cigarettes and gently rocking back and forth……. Today’s lesson kids… this is what happens when you miss your lithium dose. All in all the day was perfect. The typical “OMG she shouldn’t be wearing that” sightings were abundant, then the token “DID YOU SEE THAT?”s were fairly numerous. But, there were honestly more “Your friends and family must not really love you if they let you go out looking like that today” then normal. Im all for self confidence… and individuality….but… shoot… Some people need to start suing the companys that make mirrors for false advertising… I swear.. I am by no means judgmental, or uppity. I am definitely not perfect..but, hey.. I AM in shape.. round is a shape too yanno!!.. ha... I am however, respectful ... of my body and other peoples sanity…”Unleashing the fury” upon society is no way, shape or form, confidence.. just ignorance. And in most cases.. just plain rude. So… yeah.. If you come to the beach looking like an idiot or inappropriate.. I am gonna laugh. And if you look at me and laugh, that’s ok too… it’s what I’m here for…I know, that my life makes other people feel better about theirs! And I’m cool with that! So.. Please… Best way to know if you’re ready to go to the beach? Ask a kid.. they are honest.. painfully honest.. I know.. mine are honest with me .. ALL THE TIME! LOL…
Take care! Enjoy the summer and the beach! Just COVER UP! lol

A boy, a pair of scissors, and the truth....

This is a story from back on 06 that my dad reminded me that i HAD to post... so... here it is...

The Snip and Snore Bandit....

Toms River, NJ- There has been a rash of incidents in the Monica household as of late. Seems late at night while visions of sugar plums are dancing through everyone’s heads, one devious head is stalking the innocents. Twice in recent weeks, poor, unsuspecting victims are awaking in the morning with less hair than they went to sleep with. Is this just the natural process of hair loss or something more sinister? Well, considering the victims are just 5 and 6, receding hairlines can definitely be ruled OUT. No, folks, this seems to be the work of a crafty and sinister mind, preying upon his victims while they sleep. Although sources close to the investigative team initially insisted there are no suspects yet, they have just revealed that evidence had been discovered under the bed sheets of one Mr. Charlie Monica. My source tells me that scissors with stray hair, still attached, matching those of the victims has been seized from Mr. Monica’s bedroom. Also beneath the Bob the Builder comforter, the lead detective discovered evidence that this tragedy may have been in the planning phase for a while. Practice cuts encompassed the vast majority of the bottom fitted sheet, previously undiscovered due to the location of the evidence, at the foot of the bed, concealed beneath blankets and sheets.
Mr. Monica was presented with this evidence but denied any involvement, rather, suggesting the first victim, a Mr. Ryan Monica, who lives in the same house and sleeps in the bunk just above our suspect, did the crime himself and then planted the evidence. The second victim, and hopefully the last, a Ms. Jordyn Monica, also a resident of the same house but sleeps in a room across and down the hall, cannot even be sure when the incident happened to her, due to the nature of her hair style. Only after her mother decided to place her hair in a bun for ballet practice one morning, did she notice the missing locks. Further investigation revealed blond curls within her bed sheets, but she cannot recollect any time that the suspect would have had access to her room, especially while she was sleeping. To reach Ms. Monica, Mr. Monica would have had to sneak from his room, enter Ms. Monica’s room, and without stumbling over the mass quantities of kitchen accessories strewn about Ms. Monica’s room, climb onto her top bunk, which at the time did not have the ladder assembled yet on the frameworks of the bed. For him to accomplish this without waking up Ms. Monica or her two roommates is confounding.
Further evidence found, seem to suggest that the attacks on these kids are just the final culmination of Mr. Monica’s strange fixation. Numerous My Little Ponies and even the families Brussels Griffon, Sprout seems to have fallen victim. A profiler from the MKE (Moms Know Everything) feels strongly that these were all a result of pent-up frustration, curiosity and mischief. The progression of the attacks leaves everyone hopeful that it was stopped just in time. The next obvious victim, following the floor plan of the upstairs, likely would have been a parental figure to Mr. Monica, which could have resulted in permanent damage to Mr. Monica’s future here on earth.
While getting ready to publish this story, Mr. Monica suddenly volunteered to give a statement to the MKE that he in fact was guilty. He apologized for his actions and offered his favorite matchbox cars to the victims as an apology. When asked why he finally confessed, Mr. Monica replied "God don't like liars".
His once furious parents are now overcome with sentiment and thrilled that their son, in fact, has a conscience and is learning that the truth will set you free!

Are they ALL yours????

*just posted today to my momlogic.com blog that I am using to try and spread the word about this blog.*
No.. theyre not ::eye roll:: I just take random children out to restraunts, grocery stores, pediatricians office...etc.Yeah.. thats right.. I just collect kids wandering along the roadside, that just all happen to look EXACTLY like my husband or I and say "Hey, kid, let me take you to Ruby Tuesdays" or " Hey, kid... need a check up? Maybe some immunizations?" I also,just so happen to drive a 15 passenger Ford E-350 with surf racks. Perfect vehicle for a large family that lives on the Jersey Shore. But really...my real favorite is when people DO ask me "Are they ALL yours?" and I say "yes!" They say.. "NO THEY ARENT!" or " REEEEEALLLYY???" .So.. my respose? I throw my hands in the air and proclaim "Ya got me.!!.. Im lying!!... they arent all mine" and then walk away... Really. WHO LIES ABOUT THAT????? Yes, we have ten kids. And 5 dogs..and a rabbit but minus a fish recently. And can you believe this part?? WERE ACTUALLY MARRIED AND DID IT ON PURPOSE!!!! Although I must admit, the two eldest boys, 21 and 19, were wedding presents. I got them and a ferret named Stinky on my wedding day. Best wedding gifts EVER! But the next 8... the13,12,11,10,9,8,7,6 year olds.... all my fault...completely. Well.. I had SOME help... not much... but he did his part... lol

Bed Bugs! :gasp::

So, here we go. I think this is it. We are ready for takeoff... let the blogging begin!!!! Goodnight, sleep tight, dont let the bed bugs bite! No, really.. dont let em bite. I hear its gross.. and itchy... and just in general nasty as all get out. Great.. now Im not gonna be able to sleep, thinking about bedbugs.... son of a.....

Who cares what color the damn walls are! (from May 09 before Joes surgery)

Sigh… tonight comes with such….hesitancy. We are all silently nervous… vocally frustrated…emotions all mixed up and muddled. DO we cry? How do we remain positive? Is it ok to still smile? What a mess….even now, as all my chores lie undone…I feel nothing but OH CRAP…And to add to it all.. we get a certified letter from Codys school that if we don’t provide proof of his TDAP and Meningococcal shots.. he cant go back to school Monday. The SAME shots he had before he started the new school. The SAME shots I had proof of faxed over before school started in Sept. And that note is even in his file. Where it was faxed, what number, to whom and what day. Yet here we are… the WORST WEEK EVER for me to be running like chicken with my head cut off… and its got to get done TODAY.. because its not gonna happen Wed. Thur or Fri…Cody is in a panic because its his nature to panic. So… here I sit… waiting for Charlies bus and counting down the 20 mins the secretary told me to wait. I feel so anxious. The gloomy dreary rainy day, so apropos. Im sitting here… thinking.. whats next? Then I slap myself and say DON’T SAY THAT! CHRISTMAS, WOMAN! DON’T SAY THAT! Lol I keep staring at one toe.. the white from the French pedicure I gave myself is a little nicked and annoying me. Im sunburnt and itchy… my hair keeps getting stuck in my glasses..Im stuck with milk for my coffee.. but I guess after 27 cups, it really dosent matter. My heart is ready to jump out and unplug my coffee maker. And I find myself thinking… wow.. time flies.. while your worrying about the nicked French tip, the stupid shot form, the rouge hairs that drift despite my pink Yankees cap. While all these things happen… time passes… time you cant get back. For the last few weeks.. I painted.. like a psychotic person… every damn day. I was like.. Its gotta look nice.. hes gonna be stuck home.. recovering.. and I don’t want him thinking.. what a mess..lol.. yeah… like painting was really gonna help THAT. Please.. 8 kids… 5 dogs… a rabbit..a poor fish in his green jello. I could paint, spackle, redo floors for an infinity.. and the house will always be a mess.. And I for one have wasted too much time and energy stressing over it. I am a confessed slob.. a train wreck… a complete and utter tsunami of chaos. Like PigPen from the Peanuts… the dust cloud surrounds me. Add 8 kids more like me then anything into the mix, and there is no Farmers Almanac that can prepare you for the storm a brewin’ here. And put us all in a stressful situation… FORGET IT! So, in an attempt to please Joe and to distract myself… I threw myself into a spring clean up of biblical proportions… Almost 30, 55gal bags of clothes, shoes, sheets, towels, etc. that were packed and donated. New paint.. new landing carpet.. (still as of yet to be installed, but its propping my feet up nicely right now!) new tile hall…back deck all decked out in herbs Ive sprouted from seed… sun flowers that I have planted no less then 4 times at 40 seeds a pop that my Rambo-esque insane possessed squirrels rape and pillage despite all my squirrel avoidance contraptions. Hanging candles, fire pit, strawberries! All this time and effort into preparing.. and now… that the time is here…. Im thinking … its all looks nice. If you can see past the dust on the 20 pictures on my front hall wall,three skateboards in the hall, the 17 hundred scattered flip flops all over, the legos and Bakugons and books on the couch,empty hot cocoa mug on my mantle, TJs Monster cans displayed on his tv, 8.5 million cotton ball particles that the dogs have scattered thru my house because Tyler Lee left the bag on the floor in her room. You have to look past the life going on around to see the work I did. When all your supposed to do.. really is notice the life going on around you. Not what color the walls are.. or what kind of flooring…or what kind of light switch there is. Ignore the décor… and what I see is a slew of pictures of some very happy people! I see that I now I have three kids old enough to skateboard. I have kids that are reading on the couch at night sipping hot cocoa in my reading chair. My girls are old enough to do their own nail polish. Life is going on… regardless of my wall color.. time is passing, fast… whether it’s a mess or not…I should worry more about whats going on inside my house.. not what the inside of my house looks like….So… I am admitting here.. right now.. I was wrong.. a fresh coat of paint does freshen things up.. but… its not what makes my life more complete… its watchgin Ryan learn skate tricks from Josh.. Its watching Joe-Joe tell the boys that girlfriends are HIGHLY overrated, its watching Tyler Lee show the little girls how to file their nails properly. Eating brownies that Cody and Tyler Lee made with the little kids so daddy and I could talk alone without being harassed by small whiney children. Yes, its has changed. The flip flops have gotten a lot bigger. The meals I cook have too…Clothing stores have evolved from Baby Gap to Hollister and American Eagle. Playinig football with them now causes pain, not giggles and tickle piles in the grass… And no matter what color my living room is… its gonna keep going on and on and on.. Tomorrow may bring me to an entirely new crossroads in my life.. Things may change drastically.. they may only change temporarily.. who knows.. but.. my bedroom, despite its new Morning Fog color.. will still be filled with I LOVE YOU notes from Kasey Mae, laundry from everyone, books I keep trying to read and AA batteries hidden for Joes remote. Tomorrow… my life will go on… my husband will be minus a thyroid and some cancerous tumors, my dogs will chew a toy under my bed that I will have to climb under and clean up, Charlie will search out Joes protein bars and eat them all, Kasey and Tyler will fight, TJs hair will continue to grow despite my threats of a midnight head shave. All this things will go on.. and no one will notice what color the walls are when they do.Blessings to you all… much love-Heather

the great glue trap incident

It was an early spring day at the Monica Household. Early morning.. and early spring.. chill in the air, rain without ice was just beginning to fall. Mother nature was just beginning to show us her promise for the upcoming season. New babies were being born all over this great green state. (garden state green, nuclear waste green, take your pick, either works) Baby birds, nestled warmly beneath they're mothers down, squirrels in their cans abound. Field mice made their way into my toasty warm garage, courtesy of faulty duct work. The mice and the heat. That week, I had discovered the tell tale peppering of mouse turds near the dogs empty food bowl. Quite aware of my husbands Perez Hilton like behavior in regards to rodents of all types, I decided to act fast to quell this potentially exponential population boon going on within the walls of a house that has already maxed out its occupancy allotment before we had even moved in. Afraid to use bromide chips because of Charlies apparent tapeworms and insatiable hunger, I chose the somewhat neanderthal "glue trap" option. And boy, I could never EVER have imagined what lie ahead of me as I stood in Target, looking at my choices....First, let me tell you.. everything BUT mice get stuck in these things...As i lie them out, I was sucked into them time and time again, a vortex, if you will, of polymer bonding, the likes of such that should not be legal here in this dimension. Sally Hansen waxing products resemble Elmers Glue when compared to this stuff. Looking back now, i realize that a more ill fated plan there never was, but for my own personal attempt at waxing. Whole other story ENTIRELY...Back to the glue traps. After I finally disperse them thru the house and garage, I go about my chores until i hear an odd " slap slap thump".. over and over.. I'm thinking... omg I caught one already? COOL! Now, who's gonna throw it out? Now, this flopping sound continued. Quite aggressively in fact. And I was thinking.. OMG.. its a RAT I bet. And a HUGE one at that... Then, the flopping got closer... and closer... and there as I came around the corner, coming from the game room, was Sally. Our fox terrier/chihuahua mix, sporting three traps.. one on a front paw, one on a back, and her nose... Seems the smell attracts simple minded dogs too. She had been in the garage with me, I guess and I had left the door opened a bit, so she was able to get into the house adorned in her new accoutrement's. Silly sally...I get the traps off, put them back, close AND LOCK the garage doors, and we all have a chuckle. Then ... the next day... oh, that fateful next day.. It was 6:30 am. I was sound asleep...when i was suddenly awoken by SCREAMING and POUNDING up the stairs... My bedroom door flies open and Cody, braying like a donkey, DIVES under my covers, immediately followed by TJ, double the size of Cody ad twice as loud too, RIPS the blankets off the bed. Then all the sudden I hear WHAP.. then ARRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I look... and I look again... and there.. Is Cody.. with a glue trap.. ON HIS HEAD!NOOOOO!!!!!! Oh man... God was with TJ that day. Cody is loosing his mind, and as my instincts are to hold him back from jumping on TJ adn making a sticky situation a bloody one as well, that primitive part of my brain told me DONT TOUCH THAT KID! Insanity ensued for a brief moment and the story, as it happened, began to unfold. TJ is slow in the morning. (like me) Cody, however, is not. (like Joe) In his annoyance, and an attempt to light a fire under TJs ass, Cody threatened him w. a glue trap he found behind the computer (still no clue as to HOW he found it or why he was back there) Cody jokingly waved it close to TJs hairy legs. TJ swatted at Cody, glue trap fell... sticky side down.. on TJs leg. TJ RIIIIPS off glue trap, and in his blinding pain, chases him full throttle thru the house to my bedroom where the" WHAP heard round the world" was then executed. So, there I am..not yet 7am... still dark out and I'm Googling "how to remove rodent glue trap from human hair" all while promising TJ that I was going to "drag him to church, and beat him in front of God." TJ took the bus to school that am. But I promised him, that if I couldn't get the trap out of Cody's hair without cutting it, I was shaving his head.. with a dull linoleum knife and lemon juice....And for those of you who know TJ, my emo child, my doom n gloom, my Eeyore, his hair is his pride and joy. Well.. FYI, olive oil works GREAT... Cody had shiny hair for about a week and barring being late for school, the entire fiasco ended peacefully.... TJ still has his hair... and I will NEVER buy glue traps.. EVER AGAIN...Thats my story.. and Im stickin to it. Pun intended!

call me Momalish

Well, here we are. Yes, I did try to blog back in 06, but that plan fell thru like Octomoms neither regions. And no.. I don’t mean me! I was preparing for my hysterectomy and thought… quite foolishly, that my recovery time would afford me voids in my day that would need to be filled and for me blogging was the perfect void filler. HA! Almost three full years later I think I wrote, what… 7 entries?MAX? Well, since then I have lived three years chock full of calamities and comedies, serendipitous moments as well as sympathetic ones…We have laughed .. we have cried..Kylie had a few scares, minimal compared to her past. We lost Joes dad, Sonny, or as the kids call PopPop New York to cancer. And then there was Joes trip down health issue highway, exit : Thyroid cancer. That one really threw us for a loop. In between each big drama, were little dramas, but in between the little dramas were always a whole lot of laughs. We got a few extra doggies and have expanded our family to five little fluffy cretins who never fail to warm our hearts with their unconditional love, and warm our pillows with their lazy butts. So, here I go. You all know about my Facebook page- username Tenkids2dogs, Kylies CaringBridge website at www.caringbridge.org/nj/kyliejae and my smattering of posts to livejournal.com- username tenkids2dogs . Kylies blog has gotten almost 188,000 hits. Yes. That’s right… one hundred and eighty eight THOUSAND hits! I am humbled and honored to have so many readers/friends/stalkers. But, as her transplant has remained engrafted for over 4 years now and her Diamond Blackfan Anemia has lulled us into a complacent “life is good” mood, I thought it would be best to separate my “writings” from her CaringBridge site. My blogging has evolved over the years. It started as a source of information for family and friends wondering about Kylies medical status. Like a gift from heaven, I learned that this journaling, blogging, whatever your preferred vernacular is, was THE BEST form a therapy for me … EVER. Nothing is more cathartic (to me) then to have THE WORST possible day.. EVER… and laugh about it. Then write about it. And share it with friends and strangers alike, and let them laugh at it too! I love to tell stories. My kids love to give me subjects. My friends laugh till they cry at my not-so-traditional view on life. Stuff like what I write about never happens to other people. And for people that don’t actually know me, one would assume that my stories were fictional. But… alas… much to my chagrin… they are true. And real. And usually involve me getting puked or pooped on by a kid and/or a dog. So, I hope you enjoy this. I hope you smile. Giggle.. Snicker.. snork..guffaw…whatever IT is that you do as a display of enjoyment or happiness…I hope, when you are with me.. that you do IT. Blessings all~H

Thank you for coming!

What a blast we had this weekend! Our first annual "Family Favorites BBQ" (yeah, Im gonna make ya'll do it again next year!)The food is STILL overflowing in the fridge, the kids still reminiscing about dad getting sent ass over teakettle into the pool fully dressed. Joe made his famous pasta salad that he has named “Garbage Pail Pasta Salad~ cus its’ got so much stuff in it, you have to mix it in a garbage pail with a snow shovel!” My dad, Dawn, Joe, Luke, Lowell and Cody L. arrived first and that was when the “Your butt is goin’ in the pool whether you like it or not” trend began. TJ scooped up his yonger cousin Lowell( I joke, because he’s younger by 5 days) and deposited him directly into the pool before everyone had even made it out to the back deck. Next, was Karen and Dick, Hilary’s parents. Hilarys mom dominated the scene with her mélange of appetizers, veggie medley and cookie bars. In fact, I am enjoying a Carmelita at this very moment while Janelle’s zucchini casserole heats up in the oven for the kidlets. Dick arrived with Karen, a case of Heineken and his game face on. Ready to experience the Monica children, en masse on their own turf. Hilary had been at our house for a few days and was excellent company for me till after midnight the night before while I was baking, baking …baking. Mom M. came and spent some time despite her hesitancy to leave her little Marley Macey Mae home alone and we really appreciated it, the kids were so happy to see her. Her new puppy sure is keeping her busy! And bruised! Jenelle, Kerry, Kerry, Makayla and Conner came (and finally brought Tyler Lee home! Sheesh!) and Jen brought her tater salad, zucchini casserole and get this… the COOLEST THING EVER… Ice Cream Sandwich Cake! No lie! Ice Cream “sammiches” and fudge, smashed oreos and whipped cream and sprinkles in a aluminum dish. I cant stop telling people how freakin’ cool it was! (still is.. mmmmmm) Then came Bob and Momi and the toffee bars that I clung to like Gollum while whispering “my precious, my precious” as I gently caressed the clear plastic lid that protected my addiction from greedy paws and coveting eyes. Ever the generous hostess, I eventually resigned to sharing the bars with my guests. Although I am not alone in my obsession, I caught Jordyn trying to take and hide them no less then three times….And her three layer dip. Momi assembled it right in the kitchen before my very eyes… I felt like I was watching the Muppet Show and the Swedish Chef was preparing me a dish. Shredded cheese was flying everywhere, cans clanging, utensils clattering and out of the chaos came this hot, bubble, ooey goey dip served with the most awesome chips I ever ate! Gluten free too, which reminds me to get Kylies celiac studies finished. Then my mom arrived with the ribs! I thought poor Dick was going to suffer from malnourishment as he abstained from almost all the other goodies laid before him, in anticipation of my moms baby back morsels’ of Guinness Stout soaked goodness. Once the ribs arrived, all was right in the world. Jordie, Kylie, Kasey and Ashley were covered head to toe in sauce, so if the ratio of exposed skin to barbecue sauce were any indication to the quality and taste of the ribs, Bobby Flay better watch out! Because those girls were slathered in it like it was sunscreen! Which reminds me of poor Ashley and Kalaia getting drug around my house like Raggedy Anne dolls by Kasey Mae and Jordie Lynn.I love those little girls, what troopers. Mine aren’t used to having “littler” girls around to be big sisters to, and when I see them all together, snuggled on the couch ready to watch a movie, smothered in blankies and dogs, its like I had more kids like I wanted to after Charlie! TJ, Cody, Kerry, Lowell, Luke and Cody L. were busy beavers, conspiring to get as many unsuspecting partygoers into the pool as possible. They were a ready source of laughter and smarmy teen comments. A few sprinklings of our famous “drag you to church and beat you in front of God” moments as well but I think those moments are a requirement at that age. Despite their brains slowly turning into mush thanks to the influx testosterone, I think they all had great fun. Little Kerry was the hero of the day for his silent but deadly, sneak attack from behind on Joe while he was wrestling Cody L into the pool, yet again. I just happened to be focused and ready to capture the entire thing on camera, and have every intention on enlarging and printing out the one of Kerry, poised in his “crouching dragon, hidden nephew” stance while Joe is half engulfed in white water splashes, frozen in mid-air while nothing but Cody L’s lone foot is jutting out from beneath the surface. Classic! And all while this caveman grunting and exhibition of masculinity went on, the pre teen princesses, Tyler Lee and Makayla , sitting safely in a shady corner, looked on disapprovingly from over the tops of their Judy Blume books. Eye rolls and disgusted sighs were abundant as the girls, I mean, young ladies, watched gross brothers and icky cousins act “all stupid and stuff”. Charlie and Connor were so good and enjoying themselves immensely in the play yard, under the watchful eye of Mom/Aunt Jenelle and Dad/Uncle Kerry. Charlie ate until I thought he was going to explode, and Connor… well.. I did see him with some juice boxes! Then there was Kylie… ahhh Kylie… she is a kid in her own world. She ate, she swam, she flittered about listening to grownup talk, bossing littles around when she got the chance, ate some more, swam, then ate again. Did I mention she ate? I have a feeling that the majority of ribs eaten were by her. And tater chips… and veggie dip. Oh the veggie dip. Kylie was in nirvana. All her favorites centrally located on ONE table in HER backyard…” Praise Jesus! Sweet omnipotent, 5lb 6oz baby Jesus”….Mid-day brought us a sweet surprise, as Mrs. Memoli FINALLY came over with Angelica for a quick visit. So, no folks. She isn’t my imaginary friend. She is an actual real person who deserves MAJOR props because every year since she came to Cedar Grove School she has had a Monica child in her PM class. Not that the kid was the problem. The problem was what comes with the kid.. ME!!!! Actually, Laura and I are kindred spirits when it comes to kids and projects. I even promised her to help next year even though I don’t have any kids in kindergarten anymore! Dana, a service dept secretary from Lester Glenn and pre-med student hopeful, actually showed up! Even after experiencing us all in action a few weeks ago. She sat off to the side, chatting happily, all while inside I’m sure her thoughts wandered to birth control options verses celibacy. Possibly both just to be sure… The cutest thing that day was Charlie and Charlie… My dad (Charlie) sittin in the rocking chair when all the sudden little Charlie climbs in his lap and falls asleep. Awwwww….. All in all.. It was a great time. Sure there were moments, and yeah there was bloodshed. (And quite a lot of it, too.) I’m thinkin’ Cody L.s parents might wanna get him checked for the hemophilia gene…cuz that kid bled like a stuck pig on a high dose of heparin. But truly the day couldn’t have gone any better. We were surrounded by good friends and great family and the food.. oh the food. I am a true believer that the more love that goes into a dish, the better the flavor, and I ate some of the best food EVER this weekend, hands down! So thank you all for joining us, you filled our home and hearts with laughter and love and we are blessed to have so many amazing people a part of our life. Thank you, thank you, thank you…..We must do this again before summer ends and our sunkissed noses grow pale from the confines of our homes, before the verdant green trees shed their shade giving leaves, before all the evil, soul sucking bennies leave our town and give us back our roads and WaWas. Much love to you all… with a smile on my face and a song in my heart, I cant wait till next time! Love, Heather and Joe